Herbie

Herbie Saucier, also know as Sir Herbivore, Herbalicious, Herman Berman, Mr. Pickles, and more, sadly crossed the rainbow bridge today. The world won’t be the same without his little light.

Herbie was born somewhere in Mississippi, approximately 16 years ago, and stole our hearts about 14 years ago. Not long after his arrival, Herbie was rangled down the aisle by his little niece Alexa in his mother Leslie’s wedding to his father Jarod (he was glad they made him legitimate). Herbie was an only child for several years until he was forced to share the queen size bed, later upgraded to king to accommodate, with Gizmo (aka Gizzy-motto, aka Guazman). Sadly Gizmo, who played Toto twice on stage and could catch a squirrel, crossed the rainbow bridge a few years ago. Gizmo came from a meth house in Louisiana (not surprising if you saw her hair) and was pregnant with one puppy when she was rescued. Once during a walk on the sidewalks of an outlet mall, Gizmo hopped on the lap of a lady sitting on a bench, licked her in the mouth, and went on her way before we could say sorry about the breath! She never met a stranger. Oh sorry Herbie, we won’t let Gizmo steal the show in death as she did in life. This is your obituary. They were later joined by the cats Mr. Darcy and Bing Bing, who Herbie tolerated, but did not encourage Mr. Darcy to style his hair like Gizmo. Bing Bing is the last pet standing, she is attempting to look solemn and mournful.

Herbie was a gentle soul like Ferdinand the Bull, except when it came to Rusty who lived next door to our first house and whose breed I can’t recall, but in my memory was the size between a great dane and a mastiff. Herbie wore a war path in the ground from “running his circles” as we called it. He lost a couple teeth chewing through the fence. He did eventually chew the fence boards enough, where one board hung like a hinge, making a secret entrance to next door. For a little while unbeknownst to us, Herbie would sneak over to the Chancellors and have breakfast with them in the morning, and be back before we were the wiser.

Sweet Nanny Herbie would always lay as near as possible to any crying baby, especially when the human puppies in his family arrived. Even though his life was drastically changed forever, he was not resentful, but let the toddlers in his family pull his hair and scale him like mountain climbers of Everest. His one vice was he Hated, with a capital H, to get his paws trimmed. We once covered Jarod’s arms (or was it my arms, that seems more likely) with peanut butter to distract him. Oh but he sure did love a preppy sweater and looked so dapper in them.

Herbie, you were my best friend. You made the world a better place. I love you and I hope you’re in heaven, running your circles in the sky.

Infertility

Aug 8, 2020

Today is the two year anniversary of Jane’s conception through Invitro Fertilization after four years of infertility. I made a video about our IVF process that I’ll add down below. We’ve been exceedingly blessed with our little miracle. I have been wanting to write about this journey and what it taught me for a while. Even though I’ve been able to talk about it through the years, I don’t want to forget the details because I know for sure that the Lord doesn’t waste our pain and our hardships. If we let Him, He will use it for His good purpose. 

When I look back at my life, I see each season in a different theme. Our four years of infertility season was my “seeking” theme. After the first year of trying to have a baby I really began to fervently seek the Lord in my quiet time. I’m sure I was praying about it before, but I really began to ask God to show me some direction. What am I supposed to do? Do I change doctors? Do I do this exploratory surgery? Do we adopt? But the verses that stood out to me the most in my Bible study (where I was totally expecting some answers) were usually about seeking. 

I don’t remember them all, but I think I marked most of the verses in my bible and dated them. “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8. 

What great verses right? But this went on into the second year. One day I remember reading another verse that was something about seeking the Lord in it and feeling that it was really meant for me and I got very frustrated.

I was like Okay Lord I am seeking you, now what? What do we do? And I felt like the Lord say to me in an interrupting thought, that is it. That is your answer. Seek me.

I learned what the Lord was teaching me was to seek the Him not for what He could do for me or for His answers to my problems. He wanted me to seek Him for Him and value who He is and to know Him deeply. Eventually I realized that even if the Lord never answered another one of my prayers, He is still good, and His plan is still the best and I don’t have to know the details. I just have to trust the one making them. That’s an easy thing to say on the other side of waiting, but harder to come to terms within the middle of a struggle. 

But there was so much spiritual growth during that time of waiting and seeking, a theme that is used frequently throughout the Bible. I was very encouraged by 3 of the 4 matriarchs who experienced infertility and years and years of waiting. God draws us to Him during times of waiting. Our faith can be strengthen greatly during these times and that is what I think he was doing in the lives of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and even Hannah. He is always working, but I am more aware of Him working when I’m watching for it during a season of waiting.

Another time that shaped me through this hard time was when I crying in the shower. I let out most of my frustrations and hosted most of my pity parties in the shower. I remember being in the shower and telling the Lord that it felt like I was on a moving assembly line in a baby factory and God was handing out babies to all the people in front of me. But right before He got to me, He turned around as if to get my baby like all the others before me. But He paused a beat too long and handed the baby to the person after me. 

He skipped me. 

He didn’t even notice and kept on going like nothing had happened. Everyone else got to hop off the assembly line and go about their lives, move into their next season, a season they probably didn’t even appreciate, at least not like I would have. That’s how it felt anyway. 

And that is how it feels, like you’ve been skipped, left behind and everyone else gets to keep living while you’re left circling on the assembly line getting skipped every time your turn comes around.

But I very much felt the Lord say to me in my sad self-pity state, alone in my shower, that He didn’t skip me. 

He picked me.

As the water washed over me and I thought about that, I felt like I knew what He meant. He picked me for this journey of waiting, watching, stretching and growing. He would never leave me and would show me eventually how He was working and be sure to encourage me along the way. 

I knew this to be true in my heart because at this point, I was teaching at Christ Covenant School, an opportunity that I probably wouldn’t have had if my prayers would have been answered on my timeline. Those kids made me feel so special at a time I really needed some encouragement. When I started IVF, my staff family prayed for me at our staff meeting, they texted and emailed to check on me and threw me the sweetest baby shower. I felt so beloved. When the kids found out I wasn’t coming back the next year, I was about 8 months pregnant, I told each class my testimony and told them that the Lord had a plan for their lives too. No matter what they were going through or would go through they could count on Him to never leave them and to use the hard times for good. I told them that I loved them and that they were so special to me and were like my very own kids. I said if they were that special to me, just imagine how much more special they are to God who created us. 

For the past 4 years we have been dealing with unexplained infertility. After 6 IUI's, 1 surgery, countless prayers, and a few other procedures we decided to...

First Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day💗 (besides puppy Mother’s Day which totally counts 🐶). The years of waiting do make it extra sweet especially with this little cupcake.💕 It’s the most rewarding but also hardest job to be responsible for someone’s wellbeing, comfort, happiness, growth, learning, development, security, and so much more. I’m so grateful to be entrusted with this little life (even with a lot less time to paint 😜). I sit here thinking about all the women who have helped shape me into the mother and woman I am now. I know God has put different “moms” in my life exactly when I needed them, even now. I think about all the women who wish to be mothers. I want to send you all a special hug and tell you that you mean a lot to someone (probably me if you’re reading this long post.💗)

-May 2020

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The Vine


“I am the true vine🌱, and My Father is the vinedresser. 🌿Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more 🍉🌺. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, 🌸🌼for apart from Me you can do nothing.” ‭‭John‬ ‭15:1-2‬, 5
Such a powerful few verses for me. He cuts from my life what doesn’t bear fruit, but more than that he cuts what does bear fruit so it will make more and better fruit! And that cut hurts. It can hurt deeply. But when I trust that the one making the cut knows exactly when, where and how my perspective changes and I’m even grateful for the Lord’s loving pruning and the results it produces.

-March 2020

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